Joy

"From joy all beings are born,
By joy they are all sustained,
And into joy they again return."

-Taittiriga Upanishad



This quote is one I found in my dad's stuff after he died. He had written it by hand and stuck it in his top dresser drawer, along with cards--most of them from mom or me, old passports and other special paraphernalia. (I found a copy of a paper i wrote sophomore year of college about The Clash in the bottom of the madness) I made a copy, it spoke to me. And I find it comforting. I imagine my father thinking of death as "returning to joy" and I remember the raven I saw flying over us just after he died on the mountain, and I think "you are free now. part of the wind and the earth and that quiet, timeless place that is at the center of us all where there is no suffering, only joy."

I have found something unexpected in my grief. Page and I were talking about this peculiarity, and she agreed, she said, "I was surprised by how much we laughed those first few days!" Laugher truly is medicine. It relieves tension, it lifts some of the heaviness of grief, and it brings our minds into the present moment.

I want to live my life seeking joy, and spreading joy. Finding joy, living in the present moment: I can learn from my dog, Mackney. He is so damn happy!

So I guess you could say I have been on a quest for joy. I have been listening to the child part of myself and playing. Naute is healing an wholesome. I feel a sense of deep inner peace, and comfort when I am out in nature. And there is a sense of exploration and playfulness. I believe life is what we decide to make it. But balance is everything. We have goals, but we can become consumed by them. We also must play, and let the universe guide us to some extent. I believe everything falls into place as it should. Opportunities come when they are supposed to . Each life experience prepares us for something that follows.

I feel right being in Durango now. Sunshine makes my quest for joy less of a battle. I feel closer to my dad. And mom and I are together. as we should be now. My dog is a great friend, and I find myself laughing and enjoying much of the time. Yes, it is always lurking somewhere in my brain. I see him passing out. I see his glasses, broken, lying on the rock. I think "goddamnit! why couldn't I have thought to remove his helmet to better open his airway. I see his body lurching as CPR was performed. I think about these things in the grocery store. Driving. In the middle of conversations--little things are triggers. skiing, hiking, playing with mackney, out with friends, alone at home. THose memories are a part of me now. But the vividness of that day is fading a bit. It does not feel real. It didn't then. It doesn't now, almost 8 months later. It never will. It is shifting now. I am starting to focus more on missing dad because of all of our happy memories together. Because he was my best friend, constant adventure partner, guide, protector, "Mr. Fix-it", he was my daddy. And I loved him with all my heart and I thank him for teaching me the depth and power of love. The love I felt for him as he was dying was the most powerful thing I have ever felt. And the void that he has left is so deep, I cannot comprehend.

I ask myself, sometimes, Ok, how do I do this? Can I really step out into the world today? Can I really figure out how to do this without asking dad? I am learning to rely much more on myself, because I have to. And he (and my wonderful mother of course) has given me the tools to figure these things out. It's just so damn hard. And I want to throw a temper tantrum. I don't want to figure this out alone! HELP me dad! But he can no longer help me in this world of living flesh.

So Ok, I think, just take it slow, one step at a time. I will figure out this whole new life. I will learn to function again, and along the way, joy is my savior. So I will reach out to joy for help. And I will play and explore and allow myself to still be a kid sometimes.

Pics: Happy memores bring me joy. DOing things I love with mom--Biking. Costa Rica!!! (pura vida) rafting. Mackney--a constant source of joy, love, company, and comfort.

"Past and future are in the mind only - I am now. "

-Sri Nisargadatta Mahara